She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
