Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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