I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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