You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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