She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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