I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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