if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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