my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
