why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
