when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
