I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
