kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this will be a night to untag.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
