I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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