I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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