I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
