Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Randomize
