I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
