Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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