He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
