I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
