i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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