Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
