i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
