my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
