OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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