I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
