My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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