1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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