It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have fence marks all over my body
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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