Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
