After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
