Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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