If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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