As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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