im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
