At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
