no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
