good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
