made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
