something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
