he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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