i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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