i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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