oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
