She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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