dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The Olympian is in my bed
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
