T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
