do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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