my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
