I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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