i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
